Sunday, 14 March 2010

NEW BEGINNINGS (OR SHEER TERROR...)


This week sees me finishing my PTSD therapy and going out into the real world alone. It's a strange sensation. I do feel much less anxious and traumatised than I did 18 weeks ago, but I'm also oddly nervous. The last 3 years have all been focused toward getting this much needed therapy and the five months of the therapy have been concentrated on working through my trauma; it had never occurred to me until now that I would at some point be living life post-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And I'm not quite sure how to handle it...

I'm not magically cured, but I am much improved on a even a few short months ago. I'm not suffering almost constant flashbacks anymore, I am sleeping quite well even 3 nights a week and I've been given the tools to handle the continuing problems better. For the first time in 5 years, the world seems like a place with possibilities rather than just a succession of challenges to be endured and while I'm delighted by the change of view, I'm also slightly daunted by the sheer amount of opportunity and choice out there.

The past 6 years have been heavy on stress and trauma and rather light on choice and confidence and it's proving surprisingly tricky to remind myself that the second experiences are welcome in my life and here to stay. I still feel strange asserting my desires or choices in anything, even a minor thing like which bar or restaurant to visit. Part of this is having had my feelings trampled over by unsupportive agencies and friends for a long time and part of this is because I have been so enveloped in trauma and pain, I haven't wanted to poke my head outside my shell and assert myself around people I know. This is something I have to work on, but it's hard to know where to begin apart from standing in front of the mirror and telling myself "I'm worth it"...

In between positive affirmations, I also need to find ways to structure my never-ending days to give myself routine and purpose while challenging my remaining agoraphobia. This is made slightly trickier by the fact it can't really cost any money thanks to my restrictive budget. Shopping sprees and endless day trips are not particularly feasible, maybe more long walks, trips to the library and other educational sounding endeavours methinks. I was hoping to expand my social repertoire and my skills set and take up a course one day a week in cookery. Sadly I have been somewhat thwarted at my first hurdle by the fact there are almost no classes that involve cooking for fun during the day in London that don't cost hundreds of pounds. Time for a rethink already!

I'm slightly at a loss for ideas after sitting around in my pyjamas watching Diagnosis Murder for several years, so any suggestions to kickstart my new (hopefully dynamic) life would be gratefully received...

Monday, 8 March 2010

INTERNATIONAL WOMENS' DAY (or excuse my rant...)



That's right, it's the 8th of March again when we all stop for a minute and think about being a woman, rather than the other 364 days of the year where we just get on with being women. I'm interested to see that (here in the UK) it is also Mothers' Day this weekend, meaning that both women-centric days of the year fall in the same week. This piques my interest because if the media is to be believed right now being a woman is synonymous with being a mother these days.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

BOOKWORMS APPLY WITHIN...

Today is World Book Day when readers of the world unite over the joy that books give them. I am definitely one of those people. Books have been a constant source of enjoyment and companionship in my life since I was knee high to a grasshopper and it's a love that shows no sign of abating.